Update: I've Gotten Worse...

I feel like I'm not getting help fast enough. My scratching has gotten significantly worse since the first time I did it. Remember when I was talking about that feeling of relief? Well . . . just as I suspected, I got hooked on the feeling. And now I've escalated to scratching with sharp objects. My nails aren't enough anymore. I need help.

It's only been a week, but it's been a long ass week!

Wednesday was.....a doozy. My boyfriend came over to hang out, and he showed me a message from the apartment complex making sure we had everything in order. I thought we did, but there was something in there about making sure your gas is turned on, and we didn't know anything about Gas. We (at least I) was under the impression that the apartment was electric. So we spent our hang out time stressing tf out over that. By the time it was brought to my attention, the Gas company was closed. The situation left me on edge. I was high-key freaking out because my man was due to move in that Saturday. So there was a rush to get it done.

Since it was too late in the day to do anything about it, my man offered to go eat, but I just didn't want to. Not only because I was stressed, but also because I have this fear of food now. I have "safe" and "not safe" foods, and I start to overthink about what I eat. Well this happened on Wednesday and I had a meltdown about it. But not just a meltdown, I went into one of my "episodes". I couldn't stop crying. Even after my man went home, I still was crying.

I woke up the next morning crying. I was still in "episode" mode. I barely wanted to do anything. Crying over every little thing. Still very anxious about the Gas thing. But I held it together and went to work. Crying at my desk, but I'm still trying. Later that day, my man gave me an update to the situation and come to find out, we don't need Gas! We are just fine with electric! Which is great, but I still cried about it because its just another fucking ordeal for me to go through. I'm sick of that shit!

Fast forward to Friday, still feeling at this point I'd say depressed. I had the day off and instead of "trying to relax", I had to pack my things and get ready to move. Like people always wanna say "just relax". But like "no Susan, I can't just relax! I have shit to do! If I don't do it, it won't get done and then I'll be upset about that. So no Susan, I cannot "relax". The crazy thing was that I had zero energy or motivation to do anything. I was genuinely just tired. If I didn't have so much going on, I' would have just laid in bed all day, but I physically can't do that. And then there's the whole anxiety around my man coming over to my house. Like, I can't fully relax or do what I want to do if I'm worried about my man coming over at a certain time. And then most of the time he don't even show up when he says he will. He'll show up 30 minutes before the time he said 🙃. Like, okay but I planned on you showing up later. I'm still trying to do me. One time he was surprised that I wasn't at the house when he go there. Like, my guy, I don't sit at home twiddling my thumbs waiting for you to show up. I got shit to do!

I feel so suffocated by my life. It's like everyone and everything is smothering me and I can't breathe. My only sense of relief is when I drag that blade across my skin. The pain is a brief distraction. I'm getting to the point where I'm tempted to take myself out of the equation. I don't want to go, but this just ain't it. I can't be living like this.

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*Fuck your feelings. I don't wanna hear about how this affects you. This is my blog. My pain. Go talk about yourself on your own damn blog!