My Mental Health is Deteriorating...

⚠TW: Self Harm⚠

I'm not okay.

I'm just plain ol' not okay.

The TL:DR is that last week I started scratching my face and arms out of frustration/stress. And that's not okay!

I was just sitting at my desk, overthinking about what I wanted to eat for lunch, and then I got so into my head that I just scratched my face and arm out of frustration. I started with my face, and then went to my arm. I started digging deep near the end. At that point, I was lookin for blood 🙃.

And the worse part is that the scratching felt good. Like, finally I'm able to let some of this frustration out. It was just a moment of relief, but it felt good, like taking a hit of something illicit. Which led me to do it again the next time that feeling came around🙃.

That's not healthy.

Sidenote; my squishman popped, and that's usually what I use to take my aggressions out on. So there's that. But also, I shouldn't be scratching my arm off either.

For real, y'all need to stop gettin on my mfkn nerves! I've fkn had it with y'all and y'alls shit!🤬

I knew it was only a matter of time before I started to harm myself or others. It was the food that broke the camels back, but before that, Y'all STAY getting on my nerves and expect me not to do shit about it is not helping anything either. And then y'all wanna get upset when I do actually do something about it. The fuck?! That shit right there is one of the reasons why I'm ripping my face off! There's several factors, but that's one of them.

Can't even really go to certain people about it because they do that shit too! If I even begin to get loud with them, all of a sudden I'm "being mean". Like???? Nobody has ever got loud at you before????? You're the one agitating me. How is it that you're the victim now? Once again, the fuck?! That's some of the shit that grinds my gears, you don't want me to yell at ya, and I can't scratch my face about it. WTF am I supposed to do then?!

All this "hide your emotions, don't act up in public" shit has gotta go. I'm at the point now where Imma just start poppin off on people and if you have to cry about it, fucking cry about it! I'm tired of managing my emotions because you can't handle yours. That's a you problem. Go seek help about that. I know I am!

Cry me a river, build me a bridge, and PLEASE get the fuck over it! 😒

I can only "hang in there" but for so long. It was only a matter of time before I snapped. I can only hold my tongue BUT for so long. It's starting to wear on my mental health now. Because, yeah that shit isn't healthy! And losing your absolute complete shit on your co-workers is not socially acceptable either.

So what do you do?

---

After the first time, I stopped scratching my face, but my arm is free real estate; I went to town on that arm 🙃. And its starting to become a subconscious action to just scrape my arm off everytime I get overwhelmed. That needs to stop!

Last week I went home and cried about it for at least 30 minutes because this isn't me! I don't normally do shit like this! I'm clearly not well. And now I gotta cover my arms because they're all marked up and I don't don't feel like explaining it to anybody.

I'm just over here crumbling apart.

AS I said before, I need professional help. I know that. I knew it the moment after I scratched the shit out of my face. My mind does feel "unwell". I don't feel like myself. I'm so tired. My usual coping mechanisms aren't working anymore 🫠

The good news is that I have the means to go get help. Hopefully my doctor can recommend me a therapist to go to. Calling a 1-800 number ain't gonna help this. Whatever is going on with me requires more than just a phone call. I'm over here having full blown episodes. I need to physically talk to someone about this.

~While I was drafting this post, I scrolled on Facebook and saw an ad for mental health medication (they're always listening, don't ya know?). I said "why not?" and clicked through the link. Everything was going just fine until the end where they asked if there was any more information I could provide. I put in something about me scratching my arms and face and this is what they said:

Oh....okay 🙃🫠

Told ya!

But of course now I'm worried that they'll take me to the Funny Farm. Honestly at this point, I'd welcome that. A 2-week mental health vacation from life sounds pretty good right about now. Then maybe I'll get some damn peace!

Also, turning comments off cause I simply don't wanna hear it!

~Words of sympathy? -Don't wanna hear it!

~"iT's gOnNa GeT bEttEr" - ESPECIALLY don't wanna hear that! Go tell that to someone who will believe you.

Just.....DONT! Leave me be! If you're not a mental health professional, I simply don't wanna hear it from you!